When someone we care about is hurting, it’s natural to want to make it better. We reach for comforting words, search for silver linings, and try to help them see hope beyond the pain. But often, even with the best intentions, what we say can accidentally invalidate or minimize their experience.
Support isn’t about having the perfect response — it’s about presence, empathy, and allowing someone to feel seen in their pain.
Why Our Words Matter
In moments of distress, people aren’t looking for solutions — they’re looking for safety. Emotional safety allows someone to express vulnerability without fear of judgment or dismissal.
Phrases like “It could be worse” or “At least you…” may come from a kind place, but they communicate comparison rather than connection.
The message becomes: Your pain isn’t valid enough.
Empathy, on the other hand, doesn’t try to fix. It acknowledges:
“This hurts.”
“You’re not alone in it.”
“I’m here with you.”
When we shift from solving to supporting, we help people move toward healing — not away from their feelings.
What Not to Say (Even with Good Intentions)
Below are some commonly used phrases that can unintentionally cause harm, along with why they may miss the mark:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
→ This can make someone feel like their pain must serve a purpose, invalidating the reality that some things are simply unfair or devastating.
- “At least you…”
→ Comparison diminishes someone’s pain. Whether or not someone else has it worse, their experience still matters.
- “You just have to stay positive.”
→ Positivity has its place, but forcing it can shame people for having normal, difficult emotions.
- “You’ll get over it.”
→ Healing takes time. This phrase pressures someone to move on before they’re ready.
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
→ Even if you’ve faced similar challenges, each person’s experience is unique. Instead, acknowledge their individuality.
What To Say Instead
The most powerful responses are simple, validating, and grounded in empathy. Try:
- “That sounds really hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
- “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I’m here for you.”
- “Your feelings make sense.”
- “I’m listening — tell me more if you feel up to it.”
- “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Even small gestures — a text, a check-in, a moment of quiet presence — can communicate safety and care more than any advice ever could.
When You Want to Help but Don’t Know How
Sometimes the fear of saying the wrong thing leads to silence. But silence can also feel isolating. You don’t have to have the right words — you just need to show up with compassion.
Try:
“I’ve been thinking of you. Would it be okay if I checked in later this week?”
“Can I bring you lunch, or would you prefer some space?”
Support doesn’t have to be grand — it just has to be consistent.
For Professionals and Caregivers
For clinicians, teachers, or helping professionals, language holds even more weight. The goal isn’t to “cheer up” a client or student — it’s to model emotional validation.
Statements like:
“It makes sense that you’d feel that way.”
“You’ve been through a lot, and it’s okay to still be processing it.”
These create an environment of trust and authenticity, where healing conversations can unfold without pressure to “be okay.”
Empathy Over Advice
It’s tempting to jump into problem-solving — especially when we care deeply. But empathy often sounds quieter than advice.
It’s in the pause before responding, the willingness to sit in the discomfort, and the courage to not fill the silence with fixes.
Empathy says:
“I’m not afraid of your pain. I can sit with it.”
That presence alone can be profoundly healing.
A Gentle Reminder
You can’t always make someone’s pain go away — and that’s okay. Healing isn’t about removing pain; it’s about not having to carry it alone.
When in doubt, lead with kindness, curiosity, and presence.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is simply:
“I’m here.”
Final Reflection
Words can wound or they can hold.
They can rush someone toward “better” or give them permission to just be.
When you don’t know what to say — choose connection over correction, presence over perfection, and empathy over answers.
Because support isn’t about saying the right thing.
It’s about being the safe thing.
Learning how to support others starts with empathy, not perfection. Explore the MindLyssMoments Resource Page for free mental health resources, communication tools, and evidence-based supports to help you navigate difficult conversations with compassion.